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English Jokes & Funny Stuff

Discussion in 'ENGLISH' started by rebecca_uk, Feb 25, 2009.

  1. crimm

    crimm New Member

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    Our 14-year-old dog Abbey died last month.
    The day after she passed away my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey.
    She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her.
    I told her that I thought we could so, and she dictated these words:

    Dear God,
    Will you please take care of my dog?
    She died yesterday and is with you in heaven.
    I miss her very much.
    I 'm happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.
    I hope you will play with her.
    She likes to swim and play with balls.
    I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog.
    I really miss her.
    Love, Meredith

    We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey & Meredith , addressed it to God/Heaven.
    We put our return address on it.
    Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.
    A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.
    I told her that I thought He had.

    Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand.
    Meredith opened it.
    Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.'
    Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope.
    On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:


    Dear Meredith,
    Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help and I recognized her right away.
    Abbey isn't sick anymore.
    Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart.
    Abbey loved being your dog.
    Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in so I'm sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.
    Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me.
    What a wonderful mother you have.
    I picked her especially for you.
    I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.
    By the way, I'm easy to find.
    I am wherever there is love.

    Love,
    God
     
  2. ab5174

    ab5174 New Member

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  3. glissando

    glissando New Member

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    This is a bit old but still funny

    “The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.”
    The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
    Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
    The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
    Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
    - John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person
     
  4. ELLAWS

    ELLAWS New Member

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  5. glissando

    glissando New Member

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    Poate unii il stiti, face ravagii pe internet... un tip fuge dupa cainele lui - Fenton - prin Richmond Park. Cainele fugareste caprioare direct in calea masinilor. Disperarea din vocea tipului e super hilara (am fost in situatia in care sa am de-a face cu un caine care nu asculta si a trebuit sa alerg dupa el urland, asa ca am toata simpatia pentru tip... super haios filmuletul, oricum).

    [video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dsb5HH8m24Y[/video]
     
  6. ELLAWS

    ELLAWS New Member

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  7. ELLAWS

    ELLAWS New Member

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  8. costoboc

    costoboc New Member

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    Marriage Humor:

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'
    Husband: Nothing.
    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
    -------------------------------

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
    Wife: 'Yes or no.'
    ____________

    Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
    Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
    Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
    Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
    --------------------------------------------------------
    Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
    ------------------------------
    Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
    Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
    ________________________________

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
    The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
    -------------------------------
    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.

    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
    The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

    Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!
     
  9. Diana22

    Diana22 New Member

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    THE RULES


    1)The FEMALE makes the rules.
    2)The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice.
    3)No MALE can possibly know all the rules.
    4)If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the rules she must immediately change some or all the rules.
    5)The FEMALE is never wrong.
    6)If the FEMALE is wrong is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the MALE said or did.
    7)The MALE must apologize for causing said misunderstanding.
    8)The MALE is always wrong.
    9)The MALE may be right if he agrees with the FEMALE unless she wants him to disagree.
    10)The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
    11)The MALE may never change his mind without the express written consens of the FEMALE.
    12)The FEMALE has the right to be angry or upset at any time.
    13)The MALE may remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.
    14)The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the MALE know whether
    She wants him angry and/or upset.
    15)The MALE is expected to mind read at all times. -nu-ma-uit-
     
  10. ELLAWS

    ELLAWS New Member

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  11. ionika2

    ionika2 New Member

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    A man was talking to his friend at the bar.

    The friend said, Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?"

    No, I didn't know that," the man replied.

    So what color are YOUR wife's eyes?" asked the friend.

    The man replied, "I'm too drunk to remember. Geez, I'd better go home and find out!"

    So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep.

    The man carefully lifts his wife's eyelid and exclaims, OH, MY GOD! BROWN!

    Suddenly, a man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, How the hell did you know I was here?
     
  12. ionika2

    ionika2 New Member

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    A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
    B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
     
  13. ionika2

    ionika2 New Member

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    A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
    B: Yes, of course.
    A: Great! I never could before!
     
  14. Diana22

    Diana22 New Member

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    Scuze pentru pozitia pozelor -nu-ma-uit-
     
  15. MihaelaO

    MihaelaO New Member

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    A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”
     
  16. rebecca_uk

    rebecca_uk Active Member

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    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

    "In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
     
  17. rebecca_uk

    rebecca_uk Active Member

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    READ TILL THE END

    As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

    He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

    He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

    He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

    His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

    After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

    You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

    Naughty, Naughty!

    Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
     
  18. ionika2

    ionika2 New Member

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    A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

    His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

    The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
     
  19. Radooo

    Radooo New Member

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  20. Dr. Evil

    Dr. Evil Member

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    @Radoo
    ''r u saying that you have money for grandmother?'' :)))
     

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