Romani Online in UK

George Phillips of Grand Falls,NFLD was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed. The officer asked,"Is someone in your house?"and he said no.The officer replied that all patrols were busy,and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,"Ok"hung up,counted to 30,and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within 5 min 3 police cars,an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.Of course,the police caught the burglars red-handed.One of the Policemen said to George:"I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said,"I thought you said there was nobody available!"

How to advertise your business... :P
"For our client(specialized in divorce cases and a new-comer in business)we put the contact information on condoms and distributed them at the front desk of an out of town motel. We thus got the information to people who were most likely having an affair and could have been in need of both condoms and our client's services."


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yeah, too lame for that ;)

oops sorry this reply was for the reply to the kiwi joke about NZ being heaven... (I'm blushing but couldn't find the smiley for shame... we have none, I suppose)

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

****

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 30 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started.....



****

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!
!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....



****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will ta lk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name ?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask ?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

This man is driving along a country road and his car stops, as he had run out of petrol. A bee flies in and asks him what the problem is. "I've run out of petrol," the man says. "Don't worry," says the bee, and then flies off. A couple of minutes later, thousands of bees fly in and out of the car's tank as the man watches bemused. One bee comes to him and says "try now."
The man turns the ignition key and ……. brrrrroooommm, the car starts. "Wow," says the man, "what did you put in it?"
The bee says… "BP".

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

****

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Crimm nimic nu ar fi putut descrie mai bine situatia in care sotul conduce si eu sunt in dreapta....sau dupa caz stanga, dar nu la volan :P :P :P
Minunata poanta !!!! :kiss:

A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU
Which way is the bus below travelling?

To the left or to the right?

Can't make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again. ?

Still don't know?




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Pre-schoolers all over Australia
were shown this picture asked the same question.

90% of the pre-schoolers gave this answer.

'The bus is travelling to the right .'
When asked, 'Why do you think the bus is travelling to the right ?'

They answered:

'Because you can't see the door to get on the bus.'


How ?do ?you ?feel ? now ????
I know, me too.

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Please help me? Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna.

Neck Exercises to do at the computer
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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE...... it's all in a point of view!!!!!
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that w omen customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

No matter what language you speak or where you go:
Behind every man there is one smart woman!!

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

*

In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday.

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.00

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ".

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh".

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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